It's all too easy to fall for a cute face or a sexy body and wind up with a time-waster, or in crazy love, or even in a bad marriage.
While I've given you a whole Rogue's Gallery of types to stay away from in "Men To Avoid" and "Women To Avoid", and I've provided you with some important guidelines in "Spotting The Crazies", you need a final line of defense to protect you from a disastrous relationship.
Here it is. A step-by-step process which works even if your hormones are raging and your brain is addled by those tight pants or deep cleavage. If you REALLY want a fulfilling, happy relationship, use the following steps to qualify each new person you meet, with no exceptions, and don't stop until you have all the answers.
Apart from the bumper sticker crowd, commitment-mindedness is usually treated as a private matter and a tricky subject to broach. The amazing thing is that people are more likely to give a candid answer to a casual acquaintance than to someone they're starting to date. You just have to ask while you're still a casual acquaintance.
Here's how it works. You run into Studly Tom or Sexy Suzanne at the coffee machine and say, "Oh, hi. How was your commute this morning? Did you get around that jam-up on the Lakeside Interchange?" Then sip your coffee, smile, and say "You should see how all the girls/(guys) look at you. I bet you're really enjoying the single life..."
Their immediate response will be telling. A player will simply revel in this idle flattery. Someone who'd like to be through with playing, on the other hand, may be flattered but will also look vaguely uncomfortable, as if the shoe doesn't quite fit, and may even tell you, "Actually, it gets a little old." Either way, you've got your answer. Of course, if they just glare at you and walk off, that's an answer, too -- they're not interested in you, and it doesn't matter how they feel about relationships.
If you delay, the opportunity for surprise and candor is irretrievably lost. Anytime after the other person has shown overt interest in you or vice versa -- even before your first date -- the subject of relationships suddenly becomes heavy. From then on, there's no way to make your question sound casual, and their responses will be at best guarded, and at worst calculated to the "right" answer. Trust me. Try this my way.
On the other hand, your first date is a perfect and normal time to find out about the person's goals and plans. Their answer will hopefully be consistent with wanting a long-term relationship, such as, "I'm working on my MBA and saving for a house down payment." On the other hand, if they tell you they're saving up to sail their own boat around the world, or taking acting lessons and want to be a movie star, their dazzling smile should suddenly change in your eyes to a big, flashing red light.
Your first date is also a good time to learn more about someone's general inclination toward longterm commitments. Just by chatting about mutual interests and background, you can find out whether someone's had long-term relationships in the past and whether or not they're close to their family.
It's easy. Just start with a little self-disclosure: "I don't get to see my family as much as I'd like -- didn't you say your folks live in Chicago? Do you get to see them much?" What they answer will give you some early clues about how they value family relationships.
So speed up the process by arranging little tests. Lend him or her a book and see if it's returned without you having to ask. Ask him/her to feed your goldfish or water your plants while you're away and see if everything's alive or dead when you get home. Make dates far into the future and don't call to remind him or her when the time comes. See if he or she remembers.
Call on them if you need help with something, and see if they volunteer to help or tell you they're busy or it's your problem. You can quickly find whether you can depend on them or not.
Call their most recent ex and have a girl-to-girl or guy-to-guy chat. It may feel awkward, but it's actually easy, and you may be amazed at what you learn. Just say, "Hi, I'm Norm NewGuy (or Norma Next), and I know you were together with Perfect Patty (or Tom Terrific) for quite a while. I'm starting to get pretty involved with her (him) and I wondered if you had any words of wisdom or warning for me, off the record..." Try it. You have absolutely nothing to lose.
Pass on anyone you can't trust or about whom you hear horrible stories from more than one source. Don't waste time with someone with whom you wouldn't want to share a checkbook or a credit card. Forget about anyone who is abusive, cold, critical, uncommunicative or unkind. Just get out, quickly and efficiently. (See "Ending It.")
I don't want you to waste a year of your life dating someone and then find out that they're crazy or married or a flake or a drug addict or under indictment.
This means it should NOT be tricky or difficult to find the answers to the 14 Checklist questions in a normally- developing relationship. But what if the object of your affection seems loving and attentive and nice, but just won't tell you anything about themself and their past, or what they tell you floats in a vacuum -- no corroborating evidence anywhere. "Oh, my folks died years ago. No, no brothers or sisters. My ex? Oh, she's crazy. I never talk to her." And so on.
If you're in such a situation (and I've had many clients who were), you are not helpless. Stop plunging ahead blindly. Instead, plan a party to which you will each invite some of your oldest and closest friends. If he or she refuses to cooperate or claims he or she has no friends to invite, see "Your Last Recourse" below.
But let's assume he or she cooperates. Make sure the party's large enough so that it's sure to break up into several conversation groups. A barbecue, with people meandering in and out, is ideal. Make it a point to chat with a couple of his or her oldest friends, and ask about him or her. Assign a few of your closest friends do the same. Don't worry about being obvious; your interest in him or her will seem perfectly natural.
What you hear about your mystery person will either start to fill in their past and corroborate what little they've already told you, or it will conflict. If it doesn't jibe or his friends are vague and unspecific, it's time to go on red alert. Again, in this case, see "Your Last Recourse" below.
If you choose option B, don't feel the slightest bit guilty. You were thinking of committing your life to this person; surely you deserve to know who he or she is. If he or she doesn't check out, you've saved yourself a world of misery and heartache; on the other hand, if he or she checks out okay, you still must find out why they weren't more forthcoming with you.
If you choose option C, you might want to confront him or her in the presence of a relationship counselor. Tell your partner you're uncomfortable, that you're in love with him or her but you don't want to get more involved with someone you know so little about. Offer to exchange information right then and there.
Someone with something to hide will rarely admit it. They are more likely to blow up, accuse you of "conducting an inquisition" or some similar remark designed to make you feel guilty and then stalk off. If they do, don't take them back.
And remember, you're not demanding audited financial statements. Assuming your about-to-be-betrothed has demonstrated their honesty in little ways that you've noticed, and their friends speak highly of their integrity, you can simply take their word when they answer your questions.
The point is, if there's anything on the list you haven't already discussed, now's the time to ask. You're about to become life partners; if both of you aren't comfortable knowing everything about each other, maybe you should think twice.