For Men: Women to Avoid, Part 1

If your relationships never seem to bring you anything but pain, if "the fucking you get isn't worth the fucking you get," it may simply mean you're choosing witches, bitches, and crazy ladies, and there are a lot of them out there. Contrary to popular belief, the craziest ladies have NOT been in therapy. The ones who are truly crazy stay far, far away from help.

 Just because you've been involved in go-nowhere, crazy-love relationships with women who've treated you badly doesn't mean you are incapable of sane love. You may have a fatal fascination for the wrong kind of femme fatale. Some women are sexy and attractive and even fun, but it's a big mistake to fall in love with them. Following are the classic types NOT to get serious about (we're going to have a little fun with these caricatures, but there's a lot of cautionary truth in each one):

The Deviant
 

At first, the Deviant is a lot of fun, the bad girl down the block your mother always told you to stay away from. In the beginning, it's a kick to be with her. She's always doing the unexpected. If the light says red, she zooms through. If there's a new illegal drug, she's the first to try it. If there's a new illicit or amoral activity, she gets excited and can't wait to do it.

The Deviant is irresistible in bed, where her deviant behavior really shines. No matter what sex act you've imagined, she'll be willing to try it. If you haven't thought of it, she will. That's why you find it so hard to leave her, even after you've bailed her out of jail a few times on assorted charges and she's almost gotten you arrested too. Deep in your heart, you know there will never be sex like this again. You know your deviant woman is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience true decadence.

The biggest problem with the Deviant is that she gets you into trouble. Trouble with the police, the DMV, the IRS, your parents, your boss, your landlord, your friends, and anyone else who is a regular member of straight society. Besides, no matter how much fun she seems to be having with you, the Deviant is really just a thrill whore -- she'll perform fellatio on you in the front seat of a sports car at 120 miles per hour, but if some guy suggests screwing while skydiving, she'll be gone in a flash.
 

The True Believer

 

The True Believer is on the cutting edge of whatever new philosophy, psychology, or new-wave woo-woo comes along. She's a channeler, an astrologer, a fortune-teller, a healer, a yogi, a spiritual master -- and whatever she's into at the moment, it's the true answer to all the world's problems.

She has a Ouija board, Tarot cards, I Ching coins, yoga and meditation tapes, healing music, and a roomful of crystals. She's open to anything, including you, as long as you believe.

So you follow her out into the desert in the middle of the night to wait for spaceship Moonbeam to land and take you off into the next world, and so what if it doesn't come? You've done a lot more for women and had a lot less fun.

One man I know gave up a thriving law practice to follow a True Believer on a trek across India. They were both to have come back as gods. True story. What happened is they broke up. Walking across India can get old if you don't believe enough.

The True Believer does have some advantages, though. She doesn't eat meat and she doesn't drink, so she's a cheap date. She comes with a built-in group of friends and preset rules. You never have to make any decisions, you just have to follow along with the group, and believe, believe, believe. Of course, the first time you guffaw during a seance, the romance is over.
 

The Timebomb

 

The TimeBomb is an emotional lethal weapon that goes off with no warning just when you think your life is under control.

The most frightening thing about the TimeBomb is that she looks so normal on the surface; you can't tell she's a TimeBomb until she explodes on you a couple of times. She's the type who gets drunk at an important business dinner and pours a Martini over your boss's head. Or she has an affair with your best friend and gets pregnant, and you don't know whose kid it is. Or she starts yelling, "I don't, I don't!" in the middle of your wedding ceremony. Or she just disappears one day, leaving you with 10-month-old Junior.

She's so cute and seemed so perfect that you overlook the clues which were there all along. Her parents have given up on her, none of her ex-boyfriends is speaking to her, and she usually doesn't live close to home, because she needs new territory, some place where people don't know her yet. Timebombs always seem too good to be true -- and they are.

Unless it's her disappearing act, you take back after a blowup, because she seems so sweet that you're sure it was an aberration. Slowly, the hard way, you learn it's not an aberration; it's a pattern. So no matter how many times she promises to behave, don't believe her. You can be sure another blowup is brewing. It's just a matter of time.
 

Lolita

 

Lolita is so adorable, so affectionate, so malleable, so sexy, and so young. She looks up to you as the wise teacher and you love the role. You imagine yourself molding her into the grown-up woman of your dreams. You'll just keep her around until she's matured into your own little Stepford Wife, showing her the ropes, keeping her pure and sheltered. If you really believe that, you need your head examined.

Actually, she's just discovered her sexual power and is trying it out on you. She's also probable jailbait, but you don't care. You're flattered at your ability to attract a much younger woman and couldn't care less what anyone says. What she really wants is to get even with Daddy by screwing you, and as soon as some twenty-year-old Adonis shows up, she'll leave you and shower him with all the wonderful pleasures you've taught her how to provide. Inexperienced lout that he is, he won't appreciate her, which will only make her love him more.

She'll possibly be ready for a serious relationship in about fifteen years, but by that time you'll be too old to enjoy her.
 

The Starlet

 

Breathlessly gorgeous, the Starlet is the ultimate armpiece at a cocktail party. Once you start a conversation with her, though, the image is shattered. There's nothing more disconcerting than finding out that the woman of your dreams wants to be a Playboy centerfold -- "Seriously, sure! I mean, you know, just to get my career started!"

You'll probably have her for about two dates if you promise to introduce her to your brother-in-law at the William Morris Agency. She's always looking for bigger game, though, so keep an eye on her. Kissinger was right: "Power is an aphrodisiac." Let her meet an actor, ex-astronaut, or even a newsworthy politician, and she's gone for the night. She'll be back in the morning, though.

You'll often see pictures of a nice normal guy marrying a Starlet type, looking naively happy on his wedding day. A year later in the divorce news, you'll see the same guy looking shell-shocked and threadbare. Very few starlets get to be stars. When they don't, they invariably blame the men in their lives and either make them miserable or dump them. If you get hooked on a Starlet, you're dippier than she is.

Why Nice Men Wind Up With Witches, Bitches, And Crazy Ladies

1. It takes a nice man to put up with them. Witches, bitches, and crazy ladies aren't dumb. They always pick sweet, giving men, men who won't leave at the first sign of craziness, men who want to help, men who will wait for sanity to return.
2. A nice guy often enjoys (for awhile) the excitement a crazy lady brings to his life. At any minute she may attempt suicide, crash the car, burn the house, leave, or have a disastrous affair. What thrill can compete with the living soap opera a truly crazy lady brings to his dull everyday life?
3. Sometimes a nice man will find a fairly normal woman and, by letting her get away with bad behavior, actually "teach" her how to act like a bitch and walk all over him, never realizing what he's doing.

Why Not Go Along For The Ride?

The lineup of Women To Avoid in this Part 1 may be terrible prospects for a long-term relationship, but at least they're fun to date. There are other witches, bitches, and crazy ladies, also tempting, who you don't want to even go out with. Read the next installment -- "For Men: Women To Avoid, Part 2".